The question of participation or nonparticipation in childbirth my husband in front of us were not. He just walked with me. I think this is the only healthy way for men to get to childbirth: not through the persuasion of his wife, not through imitation of friends or, conversely, a protest in front of the stereotypes of masculinity. And through a very simple decision — to be there in any situation. And childbirth probably the best reason to make this decision.
I have two children and both times the husband was present at their birth. It was two very different experiences, and today specially for the readers (and brave readers) AdMe.ru I’ll tell you about them.
Lack of freedom of choice
My first birth started perfectly cloudless, and were so until then, until we came to the hospital. There I was faced with the full range of unnecessary medical interventions, and finally delivery, which was supposed to be even difficult, but joyful memory, turned into a real test.
The husband was with me in the house, but to me doctors were not allowed. He was too young and modest to tell them its say, so just sat in a corner and howled in frustration. Some said that it should be encouraged, so that nothing happened to the baby. Others said that it is not necessary that nothing happened to me. Third — it’s better to just wait for the next generation. While I’m tied to a bed multiple sensors, exhausted from the pain, cracked lips begged to give me at least a SIP of water. Like the man in this to participate?
One of the major queries when choosing a hospital — it’s free behavior in labor. Listen: free behavior in childbirth. This means that in all other hospitals the behavior is obviously not free. Unfortunately, this is experienced by many.
No living creature in the world is in labor, being almost completely immobilized. All females free to choose the most comfortable and painless position for yourself. In addition to women. The woman in the XXI century gives birth in the position that is comfortable for the midwife, not her. This is the case, when progress stalled and went back. For example, today, the fashion vertical birth was carried out in the XVII century.
An abstract example for those who resolutely do not understand what can be bad medical intervention in the birth process. Imagine that you were brought to the hospital and had an emergency appendectomy. And all anything, only you didn’t have appendicitis. Nothing is explained, not tested — just removed. Because that is an unwritten Protocol: just in case, and for all indications and without. And then you have to recover, to handle the seam, and generally will be a long time to be sick… And this is the best.
With this women face when it used routine obstetric procedures (speaking of routine procedures, I mean only those who are mothers without the presence of medical indications; I do not urge to refuse medical help when it is really necessary).
Like a man to look upon the suffering of your wife? My poor husband was scared and nearly broken. He was paralyzed harsh treatment from doctors, he didn’t expect that. It shocked not the act itself, but how this process was organized in a specific hospital.
The first who met him after this test, was my mother. She later said he was just green. He did not feel safe and could not eat or sleep until he took us home.
Attempt number two
For example, how the woman will be satisfied with their birth depends very much. After a difficult birth, to hate myself, husband, the whole world and even their own child. About it a million times already written and said, but we still do not listen. I replayed in my head the day of his birth, like a broken record, and tried it all to change. I tried to turn it into a day of happiness, because exactly as planned, it was supposed to be.
Did you know that men, too, is postpartum depression? It may be associated with a change in the normal rhythm of life and presence at childbirth, which somehow did not go according to plan. A situation when he was there, at arm’s length, but could do nothing to help. To put husband in a position of impotent observer — this is the worst idea of all.
Good affiliate childbirth — as a good inclusion. It is not enough just to put a man to the hospital and call it a “delivery partnership”. A delivery partnership is the involvement in the process.
Men by nature are not observers, but participants, so if you give them the opportunity to truly help in childbirth, they will get such experience which can’t compare with anything else.
The second time our midwife and the doctor obviously knew about it. We have long selected to second birth could become a rehabilitation after the first. They had much more freedom and tenderness.
My husband supported me when it was needed in combat, when it was better without it — waste. The midwife involved in the process wherever it was possible. And he was interested. This drive, this energy flow and the man can be involved is exactly the same as 9 months ago, I was involved in the conception.
A man may see how the force awakens, hidden under layers of higher education, foreign languages, career growth, eternal attempts to control and secular feminism. Suddenly from under all of this appears just a woman in the most primitive and at the same time, the highest sense of the word. How his eyes are born from two: the child and mother.
Still, you have to know that for many, the presence of the husband on childbirth is an additional stressful factor. And it is not that other, as an indicator of your proximity. If you are shy about my husband, what matter; if between you there is almost no distance; if you merged together and know about each other literally everything, seemed to have lived together for half a century, this experience could become one of the most sensitive events in the life of your couple.
But if your relationship is built otherwise, if a significant place is given to personal space and it is important for you to keep a distance, you can feel trapped in the presence of her husband. And any stiffness in childbirth delays the process.
Therefore, experienced midwives say that in some cases it is better to ask my husband to leave. Sometimes a woman works “for the audience” and feels unbearable pain at the very beginning… but once the husband to go, and the pain suddenly becomes much easier to bear. This fact gain pain delivery partner explored scientifically. And came to the same conclusion: the pain increases not from the presence of her husband as such, but from the lack of intimacy between partners, the fact that a woman can’t 100 % relax in his presence and to show him in an unfavorable light (from her perspective) world.
About ugliness. I have heard from many men that they had nothing as beautiful as giving birth wife. And it was precisely those men who were involved in the process. Those who still watched the doctor, thinking about childbirth is not the beauty of his wife, but only the total stress, which pervaded their entire body and they only waited, when it will end. My husband has done both. The first time was a relief the birth of our son, but from the birth process, he was not a pleasure, and shock. The second time the process and the result was equally beautiful.
When I was in the postpartum unit, in the next room were two men. Yes, I also thought at first that I thought.
Their babies are born prematurely, and his wife was still in intensive care. And here the fathers “wore” children: they went over to the sling, were unwound and fed them. Who could, wore feeding mothers. This is possible only in a few hospitals, but their number is growing steadily. Does anyone come to mind to say that all this is not a man’s job is to care for their child until mom can?
Contact “skin to skin” (when the naked body pressed on naked body of an adult) is important, especially premature babies from the first moments of life. This can significantly improve the condition of such a child even to save his life. And if a man is present at birth or surgery (you can now attend and cesarean section), he will be able to provide this contact immediately, while the mother still has not recovered. This is usually little thought: the man may be needed at the hospital not only his wife but his child.
Many women agree with her husband that he would be in combat, but will be released at the moment of birth. Most of these agreements have not come true, because all the fears disappear in the process. And women stop being shy, and men do not agree to miss the fun.
My husband never loves me as he admitted after the second childbirth. He was shocked, fascinated, at this time he was not a silent observer but a full participant in the birth of a new life. When I looked into his eyes, full of some new revelation, and knowledge all prejudices about what men in the hospital is not the place, disappeared in an instant.
I gave birth to a daughter while in the hands of her husband. And it’s not cutting the umbilical cord and not that he was the first who after the midwife took her in his arms. Not in those nice and sweet moments between fathers and children (these were filled with tears of happiness man’s eye can be seen in many photo projects).
It is not about feminism or trying to “invade”, as they say about joint childbirth their opponents. It is not that I can or should handle itself.
It is in our relationship. That I know if I feel unbearable, tearing apart the pain, he will not turn away, do not give up and will not sit with friends at the bar. He will be there at this very moment and catch me in his arms.
Bonus: a man’s opinion
In April of this year, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, the personification of brutality and masculinity of all of Hollywood, for the third time became a father. Dwayne attended childbirth, and here is how he describes his experience.
“Skin-to-skin. Our blessing.
We are happy to bring into this world another strong girl.
Tiana came to us, like a force of nature, and mom Lauren was given birth just like a rock star.
I was surrounded by loving women all my life, but a part in the birth of Tiana… I can’t Express the level of love, respect and admiration I now have for Lauren and to all the mothers and women.
A few words to the wise men. It is very important to stand at the head while your woman is giving birth, it’s important to keep her hands and feet and be her support in everything. But if you really want to learn one of the most powerful — and most fundamental — moments in life-birth of a child, look at him. It will change your life. Your respect and admiration for women are always endless.
Tiana, I promise as your older sisters, to love, to protect, guide and amuse you for the rest of my life. Your father has a lot of roles in this world, but the role of your father will always be the main reason for pride”.